Yesterday was my wife’s birthday, so as you might expect it gives me a special occasion to think about and give thanks to God for bringing her into the world (30 something years ago), bringing her to Himself (about 14 years ago) and bringing her to me (we’ll be married 12 years next month).

The tip and a theme that has loomed large in my mind throughout our marriage has been this: when choosing a wife, choose a friend.

As men, and particularly in our sensually-supercharged culture, it’s a fight to resist the seepage of worldly thinking into our approach to marriage and relationships.

Not too long ago I spoke with a guy who’s been considering marriage with a girl he’s been dating, but he had some questions about how/when/whether to proceed. He was asking for input on what are the kinds of things that help one discover that God has marked this relationship for marriage and we can, as it were, head chapel-ward. The first thing I started to ask him about was the nature of their friendship.

What are your conversations like? Do you enjoy being around her more than anyone else … and not just because you get to look at her lips while she talks, but because you love what she says? Are you able, like any good friends, to give both care as well as loving correction or do you constantly let each other “slide” into spiritually harmful talk? Do you laugh together? Is the thought of being old, wrinkled and unshapely together 40 years from now, swinging on a swing and talking about your grandkids make you smile? If she was in a terrible accident and ended up in a wheelchair, is your love so conditioned by externals that you think you’d have a very hard time sticking around?

This reminds me of a poignant piece written by an inspiring, prayerful almost-wife of Ian Murphy named Larissa. Ian, cousin of our very own Emily and Rebekah Berger, was in a terrible car accident that put him in a coma on September 30, 2006. She’s been loving him, sitting at his bedside, and praying for him ever since.

The relationship is not about marrying a man who will give her everything she ever wanted. It’s not about his looks or the car he drives or the job he has. It’s not even about his famous wit and clever humor. She writes this just last month…

I’ve been very encouraged lately to continue to pray for Ian to be able to speak. He has communicated to me several times that he wants to be able to speak to us. That’s what motivates me the most. Ian knows that he can’t talk but he knows that he wants to. God needs to give him the strength and knowledge to be able to ever speak to us again. I know that God is big enough to give him that strength if it’s His will.

It seems to me that communication is all that we need. I could care less if the man I marry is in a wheelchair. We just need to be able to talk to each other so that we can move forward with our lives, like everyone else is doing.

Join us in fasting on Wednesday. I’ll be praying specifically for Ian’s communication.
Thank you always,
Larissa

My wife is the best friend I’ve ever had. Thinking about life with her – anywhere and under any circumstances – is, in the most meaningful sense possible, a happy thought. We’ve lived in dumps, on streets where 3 people (on 3 different occasions) were shot and killed. We’ve slept on borrowed furniture together and “rented” movies from the only affordable “Blockbuster” (the library) together. We’ve endured some trials together. But, by the grace of God, our home has been characteristically marked by joy. And a huge piece of that has arisen from the simple reality that we love being together.

Bottom line, when you think about choosing a wife, choose a friend. Then, twelve years later with (hopefully) kids in tow, you can turn around and help another brother keep this priority in view. That’d be right around the time that Hunter and Will are coming into the Pivot. So, please … remember to do that!

By the way, given that this blog is, you might say, sparsely traversed, here’s another personal post on my “good thing”.

Josh Harris, sometimes touted as the dating-guru, must have thick skin.  His books bring no small response from critics of the so-called doctrine of purposeful dating or courtship.  Then, to boot, his fans can tend to add fuel by investing each detail and illustration from his books with divine authority and slapping demerit badges on all relationships that fall short of the Joshian codes of courtship.

He seems to handle all of this very well.  Whenever I bump into people who are self-proclaimed “not fans” of Josh, I try to say just the sort of thing Josh is saying here.  But then again, it’s better coming straight from the source.  See the links, get the messages.

This pastor/author has done the Body of Christ a great service and despite the extreme cases and abuses of his stuff here and there, I’m very happy to consider myself a fan.

I think I know what you need. One more book to read right now.

Really though, here’s a new book about relationships and also some interaction about the issues that the book touches. We encounter daily the upheaval of all that’s in our hearts as we relate to others, but relationships are indeed A Mess Worth Making.

Dave Harvey, one of the leaders for Sovereign Grace Ministries, has written a new book called When Sinners Say I Do. Matt shared this excerpt on the guys blog along with a personal confession, and I thought it was so funny, so I’m passing it along! I do personally love Jane Austen (I’m wondering if this excerpt affirms that I’m indeed feminine as a result?). Even if you don’t know Jane Austen, enjoy this difference we have with the guys:

I’m way too masculine to enjoy Jane Austen. Now, I realize that women usually read that as, “I’m not smart enough to get Jane Austen,” and I suppose there may be some truth to that. But even if guys like me don’t get the point, I’ve got to respect any author who can actually capture the imagination of an audience without mentioning a grenade-launcher. Even once. And I’m still way too masculine to enjoy Jane Austen.

In a touch of divine humor, God has given me a wife and two daughters who love everything Austen-esque. Maybe I’m missing something, but it seems to me that the plot is always the same. The only difference I can see is the name of the mansion.

If you’ve never read a Jane Austen or seen a movie adaptation, let me save you some time. Here’s the plot. Start with an anxious, unmarried woman in late eighteenth-century England whose mom is wound up even tighter than she is. Bring in a clueless guy, also usually rich and unexplainably single, who doesn’t know he needs to temperamental unmarried woman to make him normal. Throw in some eccentric characters, frilly clothes, a formal ball, and lots of soggy English countryside. End with a deliriously happy wedding, leaving the distinct impression that this could will never know anything but harmonious marital bliss. Cut to the credits, cue the violins, go buy the soundtrack. That about sums it up.

Why doesn’t anything happen in Jane Austen after the wedding? What about sequels? Here are a few post-wedding Austen stories I’d like to see:

Sense and Sensibility, Episode II – I Miss My Mom
Pride and Prejudice – The Sequel: Darcy’s Hunting Buddies Move In
Emma Returns: The Matchmaker Strikes Again

I know…not likely. That’s why I prefer guy flicks. They end at the right spot–usually when somebody dies. A Western never ends before the two main characters face off in the street, guns blazing. War movies don’t end just as the bombing raid is taking off. And sports movies don’t end until you see how the big game turned out. But in the world of Jane Austen, stories end at the altar, just when reality is about to come knocking. I don’t get it.