How and when should a couple talk about “the past”? It’s a thorny question. Dr. Russell Moore handles it beautifully, relating the tragedies of sin to the power of the gospel. If you wrestle with this or counsel people who do, this is a must read.
How do I find "the one"?
It’s the most frequent practical question I hear in college/singles ministry. It has the ability to tie people in knots like no other.
I’ve said this before, but the most helpful resource I’m aware of on sorting through these conundrums is Kevin DeYoung’s Just Do Something. DeYoung walks through the maze and helps the reader discern what kinds of questions to ask and when you’re verging on the unhelpful extremes of spiritual subjectivism.
Here is a very short interview with Kevin DeYoung on the issue of finding the right spouse.
Sex, marriage, & cultural currents
Alex Chediak’s article over at The Council for Biblical Manhood and Womanhood (CBMW) needs no introduction. Very insightful.
In the latest issue of World magazine, Megan Basham reviews romantic comedy He’s Just Not That Into You (rated PG-13 for sexual content and some strong language). I’ve not seen it, but I am not surprised to learn that the film is nothing other than the latest variation on the same, worn theme of aggressive, independent women chasing men into their late 20s and early 30s, hoping against hope that they will somehow earn the unwavering love, commitment and respect for which they so deeply (and painfully) long. They are mainly unsuccessful, as the film’s title suggests, as these men are “just not that into them.” Basham explains:
“Behind the laughs, and, indeed, the film’s popularity, is an unspoken question: What left women in such a precarious position? Why do we so rarely see romantic comedies that show men pursuing women anymore, as opposed to merely ‘realizing’ they’re in love two-thirds of the way through the film?”
What’s changed, Basham goes on to insightfully explain, is that women are now “liberated from the social norm of saving sex for marriage” which means that men are free to approach their pursuit of women as a quest for physical and relational intimacy apart from any long-term, binding commitment. They can enjoy sexual intimacy without being “stuck” with a particular woman, so they in turn grow more “stuck” in passivity, unwilling to exert sacrificial energy for their woman, unable to savor the joy that only a lifelong, binding, monogamous relationship can cultivate.
Moreover, given the abundance of women willing to play by these rules, many men feel justified in scornfully regarding a woman for even wanting marriage and family. In the film, the character Beth (Jennifer Aniston) is afraid to bring up marriage with her seven-year, live-in boyfriend because she doesn’t want to seem “clingy or psycho.”
The 80% female audience ought to be left with the inescapable conclusion: trading hearts and bodies for the temporary affection of men is a losing proposition. On the other hand, the confident, steadfast reservation of sex for marriage results in a woman attracting the right kind of man – a man who will lay down his life to earn her respect and win her love. Sadly, the movie’s ending suggests that the four love-hungry protagonists can have their cake and eat it too. Only in the movies, folks.
The kissing question
If you are married, of course, there is NO question here. Read the book of Song of Solomon and get thee to the garden.
If you have uncritically imbibed the dating message that dominates modern culture, there is NO question here and you tend to tense up as soon as ‘kissing’ and ‘question’ are juxtaposed, which is immediately followed by your tongue on the back of your teeth ready to throw down the ultimate theological conversation stopper – “legalism”.
If you’re still reading and are interested in a thoughtful consideration and some honest introspection from your own, possible, experience…
I recommend you, Pivoter, read…
A few weeks ago one of the pastors of a Sovereign Grace church sent around an email volley to other Sovereign Grace pastors asking what books they might recommend specifically for 18-30 somethings. I’m sure there are much better answers but here are a few that would come to mind.
Just Do Something (Kevin DeYoung)
Best book on the topic of discovering God’s will – which is the most popular Pivot-aged (18-30) question by far!
Stop Dating the Church, (Joshua Harris), Why We Love the Church (Kevin DeYoung)
Many of our young adults have read Josh’s book. Those who haven’t, should. DeYoung’s book on the church was just released. It looks like a great book for the generation most influenced by postmodernism. A good antidote to the mass exodus of millennials from the church.
What is a Healthy Church Member (Thabiti Anyabwile)
A solid encouragement to the college-age roamer who comes to the college/career meetings but never reads his bulletin or shows up on a sign up list to serve.
Gospel-Centered Books
Hold the center! Any of our excellent Sovereign Grace or otherwise published works that press on the centrality of the gospel and its relevance for our lives would be vital reading. Close your eyes and pick anything by Mahaney, Bridges, or Ferguson.
Worldliness (edited Mahaney) or Set Apart (Hughes)
Addressing matters of godliness, love of the world, wisdom and vigilance. Perennially important for 20 somethings.
Tactics (Gregory Koukl)
A short, engaging, funny, yet substantive book on how to strengthen one’s conversational apologetics and get armed and ready for all the opinionated 20 somethings that we call university students.
The Reason For God (Timothy Keller)
A longer, more in-depth study through some of the major objections to Christian faith. Keller’s approach is so winsome and his style of writing so fresh, it’s hard to come away from this book without a greater appreciation for the beauty and compelling nature of God’s truth.
What Is a Christian Worldview (Philip Ryken), pamphlet
Beautifully written and might make a good short study through Creation/Fall/Redemption/Restoration motifs. I would guess that if you wanted to get people’s feet wet in the Calvinism/election issues, that the companion pamphlets in the Basics of Reformed Faith series would likely be very well-written and concise. Another good study of the ‘bible storyline’/biblical theology would be Edmund Clowney’s The Unfolding Mystery.
What’s the Difference (Piper), 50 Crucial Questions (Piper/Grudem)
Or anything that clearly presents biblical complimentarianism. Campus Ministries in many places have given up this position and become card-carrying egalitarians. So even Christian college-aged people who come to our meetings often have NO category for the phrase “men are called to lead.”
Boys Meets Girl (Harris), Holding Hands Holding Hearts (Phillips), Doing Things Right In Matters of the Heart (Ensor)
The books dovetail at many points but compliment each other nicely by moving off the mains into different directions. Ensor’s book fits into the complimentarian study category as well.
A Call To Spiritual Reformation (Donald Carson)
Teaching young people to pray the way the NT writers prayed. Excellent. Also Carson’s Difficult Doctrine of the Love of God. Brief, helpful resource on a much distorted doctrine.
Dead Guy Books/Studies
John Piper’s biographical works in The Swans are Not Silent Series are very good. Thomas Watson’s The Godly Man’s Picture would be a great study for young men.
Mandy's Testimony
Check out Mandy’s testimony on Carolyn McCulley’s blog!
The Albert's: A Valentine's Story
Carolyn McCulley posted the story of God’s grace in bringing our friends Randy and Mandy Albert together. Even though most of you readers know them personally and probably heard the story at the wedding, you should check it out again. The redemptive power of God – beautiful.
She said yes: an engagement announcement
Our best friend Mandy and new best friend Randy are officially engaged. Here’s the reader’s digest version.
Mandy and her son Brandon were scheduled to spend the weekend in Baton Rouge, visiting with Randy and his family. They were going to go out on Saturday night then she would go to his home church on Sunday morning where he was supposed to be sharing his testimony that day. The whole testimony deal was prearranged on the one hand with his pastor and the other with some of Mandy’s closest friends and her mom. So, while Mandy was getting ready for service that morning, little did she know that Tina Gaspard, Amy Stovall, Mona Talbot (Mandy’s mom), my wife, Paula, and I were all meeting at a McDonald’s to head over and sneak into the meeting to do our best paparazzi impression.
We drove to the church, got out of the van, stood somewhat nervously against the building, hoping that Mandy wouldn’t for some reason have to take a walk back to the car or something. At one point, we sheepishly walked in and heard footsteps coming from the bathroom. All of us scurried out, slightly embarrassed as a well-dressed, middle-aged woman came out and gave us a quizzical look followed by a partial smile.
So, we finally made it inside and waited in the foyer. Randy went forward. He began his testimony. He was getting choked up a bit as he talked about “God moments” – dates where he encountered the grace of God which marked new chapters in his life. He talked about his conversion, being set free from drugs, becoming part of the church, knowing and being mentored by his pastor, Jim and wife, Joanne. Then our cue arrived. He said, “fast forward to August 18th, 2007″. In the foyer, we hit the power switches on our cameras and prepared for entrance. He started talking about Mandy and how God brought her to him. Even though we could only see the back of her head, we could tell she was tracking his words closely – to put it mildly! Then he said, this morning was going to be a “God moment”, since he wanted to ask her for her hand in marriage “right here in front of all of you.” Her neck extended forward. If you know Mandy, that means I had to pan right. Then Randy invited us to come in and join them. When Mandy turned around she saw us in single file walking toward the front, shamelessly snapping pictures the whole time. We took our seats on the front row, wiping tears with one hand and flashing pics with the other. That’s when Randy went down on his knee, having gotten the ring from Mandy’s 7 yr old son, Brandon, and asked her to marry him.
She said yes. We all clapped. We all hugged. And Pastor Jim preached a wonderful sermon on spiritual revival and how God shapes us through trials. After that we went out to eat (Mrs. Mona’s treat!) and had some laughs.
What a joy to see the providential workings of God. Paula and I were doing anything and everything we could to find Mandy a husband – including enrolling her in the New Attitude choir when she can barely even sing. Mostly kidding there. But, seriously, God had written a story we never would’ve imagined. And on October 24th, the foreword ends and the story begins. To our best friend and co-blogger: Mandy, we can’t wait to see how this unfolds to God’s glory!
Young Christians & the Sex Ethics Crisis
Interacting with articles from Slate to World to The New York Times to a recent book by Mark Regnerus, professor of sociology at the University of Texas, this Boundless writer contemplates what is nothing short of a crisis in modern sex ethics among young evangelicals.
Drawing upon the results of three national surveys of teenagers and 250 interviews he conducted, Regnerus found that self-identified “evangelical” teenagers are no less likely than their non-Evangelical peers to have sex. If anything, they’re slightly more likely.
According to Regnerus’ findings, whereas non-evangelical teens have sex for the first time at age 16.7, the average age for evangelical teens is 16.3. Even worse, evangelical teens are more likely to have had three or more sexual partners (13.7 percent) than their non-evangelical peers (8.9 percent).” Read the rest…
TheoFormers, I’ll see you in the morning.
